Monday, September 10, 2012


Pending is a fetus. Pending lives in my uterus and expands, as far as I can tell, entirely inwardly. Because I don't look all that pregnant, but I clearly have no space for a bladder or lungs in there. I am seven months gone. If Pending were a wart, he would be a plantar's wart.

Do mummies who compare their babies to plantar's warts go to hell? Or do they go to Purgatory, along with the mummies who watch documentaries about crazy Norwegian punk rockers instead of doing the weekly shopping?

I keep planning to teach my children appropriate songs at some point, and not put them to sleep singing whatever comes to mind. Munchkin is six and I still haven't fixed this. Instead I have kids who beg for God Bless the Grass and Hard Times Come Again No More, and I should just be thankful they don't want the Internationale.

I have a theory that being pregnant is a lot like getting old. Every day or so, something stops working correctly. Today you wear a ditch between your bedroom at the bathroom. Tomorrow you find yourself unable to sleep past first light. Heartburn. Forgetfulness. It's like an AARP advertisement around this place.

In keeping with the above, a doctor suggested that I should add supplemental fibre to my diet. I responded that that might be a tough sell, given that I am one of those nine-months-of-barfing pregnant people. He said, it's just water. Would you throw up water?

Oh, isn't he cute?

You dissolve the fabulous powder in your drink, and you won't even know it's there.

Who do you think put it in there? I'm not that forgetful, you know.

On the way home I stopped by a slightly hippy-dippy grocery store with a health section, to pick up my magic invisible fibre powder. The lovely lady with long dreadlocks directed me to a bag of what appeared to be law clippings. I definitely recognised dandelions. I am never, ever, ever going to pay someone for dandelions. This did not appear to be the kind of magic fibre that dissolves in a glass and one can't tell that it's there.

I went to a Big Chain Pharmacy and got my chemical powder. I stirred it into a glass of water, drank the glass of water, and threw the glass of water up.

Nevertheless, I feel accomplished.

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